


mistletoe is a parasite, actually

by CongressIsAliens



Series: A Perryshmirtz Christmas 2020 [1]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Christmas Fluff, Fluff, Human Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb), Kissing, M/M, Mistletoe, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:41:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27737041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CongressIsAliens/pseuds/CongressIsAliens
Summary: "Wait, wait, wait!" Vanessa exclaims, her eyes wide. "You can't move, you're under the mistletoe!"Perry looks up, one eyebrow raised. Heinz follows their gazes up to the door frame, where an faux sprig of festive greenery has been hastily hung.
Relationships: Heinz Doofenshmirtz/Perry the Platypus
Series: A Perryshmirtz Christmas 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2028919
Comments: 18
Kudos: 159





	mistletoe is a parasite, actually

**Author's Note:**

> It's the day after Thanksgiving, which means it's finally acceptable to start posting Christmas fic. Yay!

Heinz adjusts the final bolt on his latest -inator, setting the wrench down on the ground next to him. Perfect.

"Hey dad," Vanessa says, leaning on the door frame of the lab. "Where's the tinsel?"

"It's with the rest of the Christmas decorations, in the basement," Heinz says, adjusting a few last settings on the -inator. "I'd help you look, but Perry the Platypus is going to be here any minute. If you'll bring everything for the apartment up, we can decorate after he leaves." 

"Okay, sounds good," Vanessa says. "Speaking of Perry coming by, what's that?"

Heinz picks up the tools he's scattered around and starts to put them away in the toolbox. "This is my Mistletoe-inator," he says as he closes the toolbox. 

Vanessa rolls her eyes. "You know, you could just ask Perry out like a normal person."

Heinz sputters, trying to defend himself. "What? No, that's not what I'm doing. I don't-"

Vanessa snorts. "Yeah, yeah, sure. Whatever. I'm going to go get the decorations out of the basement. Have fun with Perry."

Heinz sighs as she walks away. In the distance he can hear Vanessa leaving the apartment to go get the decorations. 

Okay, fine. If he's really, truly being honest with himself, this invention is an excuse to (maybe) steal a kiss from Perry. 

But he's not going to tell Perry that. It's likely he just views Heinz as a job, then when he's off duty, as a friend and nothing more. Despite how much Heinz wishes they were together. 

Speaking of Perry, where is he?

* * *

Perry lands on the balcony of Doofenshmirtz Evil, Incorporated, his parachute trailing behind him. He waves to Agent N, who dropped him off on his way to South America. 

He takes a moment to shove the fabric of the chute up into his hat, where it somehow fits entirely, then heads into the lab. 

The lab looks to be in the middle of being decorated for Christmas. Boxes and reels of lights sit everywhere, and there's a few garlands on the walls. 

Four steps into the lab, a green rope wraps around his middle and pulls him up into a net. 

"Ah, Perry the Platypus," Doofenshmirtz says, "how expected. And by expected, I mean completely _pected._ "

Forget the almond brittle, for Christmas this year, Perry is getting Doofenshmirtz a _dictionary_. 

"You see, Perry the Platypus, I was doing some _research_ earlier, and I learned something interesting. Did you know that mistletoe is an _obligate parasite_ plant? That means it has to attach itself to something else in order to survive."

No, no Perry didn't know that, although it _is_ interesting.

It would also be interesting to see Doof make that into a scheme. Perhaps he's mutated some mistletoe into something even more parasitic, but that seems more like conventional evil science. And Doofenshmirtz doesn't really _do_ conventional evil. 

"Pretty cool, huh? Well, _anyway_ , behold! My Mistletoe-inator! When I fire this baby up, it's going to put mistletoe in every doorway and entrance in Danville."

Perry glances around, but there's only one doorway in the lab, and it's on the opposite side of the lab from the -inator. Which means there's almost no way that they could conceivably end up under the mistletoe together. 

Well, it's still worth a shot. Especially if it means having an excuse to kiss Heinz. 

"Which means people are going to be too busy _kissing_ ," Doofenshmirtz continues, and Perry dials back into the conversation, "to stop me from taking over the _entire_ _Tri-State Area_!"

A bit far-fetched, but really not all that bad compared to some of his other schemes. 

But it's still a scheme, which means it has to be thwarted. Perry doesn't get paid to do nothing.

He wiggles himself free of the trap, picking up a reel of Christmas lights along the way, heart already pounding in anticipation of their fight. 

Three minutes later, Perry throws the empty light reel across the room to hit the self destruct button on the Mistletoe-inator. Heinz is powerless to stop him, being tied up in strands of blinking lights. The -inator explodes, sending bits of greenery and metal absolutely everywhere. 

That's going to be a pain to clean up. Good thing he doesn't have to do it.

"Curse you, Perry the Platypus," Heinz says, and Perry looks over. 

He very nearly does a double take. Somehow, Heinz has freed both arms from the Christmas lights already. 

"I might be unable to knot pretzels correctly," Heinz says, "but I _can_ untangle Christmas lights quite easily."

Huh. Well, it's a good thing Perry went right for the -inator once Heinz was tied up.

Either way, it's time to head back to his lair and do today's paperwork. He turns around and reaches up to get his parachute out of his hat. 

"Hey, um, would you like to stay for a bit today?" Heinz asks, just as Perry takes off his hat. "We were going to decorate the apartment today, and well, the more the merrier."

Perry turns around. He could just leave, but...well, what's the harm in staying? Even if the Mistletoe-inator didn't pan out with a kiss like he'd hoped, he can still spend some time with Heinz. 

He smiles and holds up a thumbs-up. Yeah, he'll stay. He doesn't have to be home for a while. 

"You sure? You don't have anywhere to be? I mean, you always rush off after we fight..."

_Nah,_ Perry signs, _not today. Besides, I'll always make time to hang out with my friend._

"Right, right, friends." Something in Heinz's voice sounds almost melancholy, but when he speaks again, it's gone. "Well, if you're staying, we should probably start with cleaning up the -inator, huh?"

Looks like he isn't getting out of cleaning up. But it's worth it. Okay, only _kind of,_ but still. He pushes up his sleeves and grabs a broom and dustpan, ready to tidy the lab back up. 

They make short work of making things orderly, although Perry has to snap himself out of just watching Heinz work more than once. It really doesn't help that Heinz has a genuine smile on his face the whole time, the one that always makes Perry's heart flutter and his breath catch. 

He's really quite wonderful. It might have taken a while for Perry to fall for the inventor, but when he finally did, he fell _hard._

Unfortunately, it seems like Heinz only views him as a friend, despite how much Perry wishes the opposite were true. 

* * *

Vanessa, who's subtly watching them from the doorway of the lab, groans to herself.

Honestly, they're both such _idiots_. If either of them were less oblivious, they'd realize that they're in love with each other. 

Thankfully, she's got a plan for that. She looks through the box of decorations by her feet. There, wedged between the star for the tree and a glittery monstrosity she made in the first grade. A sprig of (fake) mistletoe. 

Perfect. Vanessa grabs the tape from the table and stands on a chair, hastily attaching the mistletoe to the door frame.

Now just to get them _in_ the doorway. She peers back into the box, and this time, her eyes land on a delicate yet ugly ornament.

"Sorry, Grandma Helga," she whispers, and hurls the ornament as hard as she can against the ground in the doorway. 

The green and brown ornament shatters into about a million itty bitty pieces, covering the floor in shimmering fragments. 

The crash, thankfully, brings about the intended reaction. Dad and Perry rush into the doorway, Perry already holding a broom and dustpan. 

* * *

Vanessa apologizes profusely for breaking the ornament, although Heinz doesn't quite know _why_ she feels the need to do so. It was a gift from his mother, and quite frankly it looks better shattered on the floor than on the tree, so he doesn't really feel bad about it. 

Either way, broken glass is dangerous, so he joins Perry in cleaning it up. When they've finally swept up every last gleaming shard, finishing in the doorway, Heinz straightens up. He picks up the dustpan and moves to throw away the broken glass.

"Wait, wait, wait!" Vanessa exclaims, her eyes wide. "You can't move, you're under the mistletoe!"

Perry looks up, one eyebrow raised. Heinz follows their gazes up to the door frame, where an faux sprig of festive greenery has been hastily hung. 

"Oh," Heinz says, feeling something not entirely unpleasant twisting in his chest. He's certain that his face is cherry-red as well. "Um..."

Vanessa coughs. "There's, uh, still a box in the basement," she says, all but running to grab her keys and leave the apartment.

Heinz turns back to Perry, searching for some sort of emotional response on his face. Is he blushing? With how dark Perry's skin is, it's hard to tell. His facial expression is the same old neutral, unimpressed stare, which doesn't help either. 

There are a few outcomes for this particular moment. Perry could leave, he could punch Heinz, he could even do both. Or, most likely, he could just give Heinz a little kiss on the cheek and pretend nothing happened. 

But Heinz can't help but imagine Perry pulling him down into a real kiss, one where he tells Heinz his real feelings afterwards, and they kiss again and again completely disobliged...

Oh, wouldn't that be nice. Unfortunately, something like that is only ever going to exist in his dreams. 

Something flickers across Perry's face, then his hands come up to rest on Heinz's cheeks. There's barely a second to think before he's being pulled down to Perry's level and-

It takes Heinz's brain a second to catch up to real time. His nemesis has just yanked him down into a real, solid _kiss_ under the mistletoe.

And it's a hundred -no, a _thousand_ \- times better than he ever expected. Perry is (unsurprisingly) an _extremely_ good kisser. Heinz's eyes slide closed and his knees go a bit weak as Perry's hands slide to his shoulders. 

Unconsciously, Heinz's hands find their way up to Perry's hair, toying at the fluffy teal locks. Heinz hums as their kiss goes from demanding and insistent to something more romantic and dare he say _passionate._ He can hear his own heartbeat pounding in his ears when Perry presses them back against the door frame.

"Curse you, Perry the Platypus," Heinz whispers between quick, shallow breaths once they part. "Curse you." 

Perry merely smirks, as if he knows _exactly_ what's running through Heinz's head, and pulls Heinz down to kiss him again. 

Mistletoe is toxic, Heinz knows that. When consumed it can cause heart problems, and in extreme cases, even cardiac arrest. But even just standing here under plastic berries, he can still feel a pronounced effect on his heart. 

It's probably just Perry. He does tend to have that effect. 

When Vanessa gets back, Heinz reaches up and pulls down the mistletoe. 

After all, he's pretty sure he doesn't need an excuse to kiss Perry anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> I learned way more than I wanted to about mistletoe while writing this fic. 
> 
> Comments and kudos always appreciated!


End file.
